12AM Thoughts- Get to Know Me.
April 22, 2021 @ 2:04 AM
Hi.
It has been years since my last post. & hey you! Its still me, the depressing one. Sad truth. I mean, whats new? Anyways, i am trying to put it into simpler words-- easy for you to understand what is wrong with me. Not trying to play smart and self-diagnose myself, no no.. we dont do that here. But i just wanna help you understand- ME. The real me. Not 100%, but at least you'd get the idea why me is..me? & why Farah is ALWAYS complicated and A LOT TO HANDLE.
What people dont get and see is, im trying. I really am trying, if you’d just give me a chance to prove it. Its not easy. Letting go something that has been with me for 18 years. 18 years is a longgggg time. Im tired. So so sooo tired. It doesnt help either when people keep reminding me what a mess i am. But this is me. A mess. A mess who is trying to clean up her own mess & other people's mess as well, little by little.
My never ending family issues, trust issues and a lot more that i dont even know where to start if you asked me, honestly. & i have no one to talk to about all these things because family is family. You dont wanna bukak aib of your family now, do you? We all go through that. We all have family problems. Mine just, gets worse each day. That i almost gave up on my own family. But whatever. They say, family will always be your family, no matter what they put you through. Safe to say, my family issues has contributed the most to my episodes. It kind of changed the way i see relationships. Because to me, there is no such thing as happy family.
I've been keeping a lot to myself, for the past 18 years. i hear that if you keep so much to yourself, it can affect your mental well-being. You overthink stuff, you like to be sure that you have the control over stuff. You like to be prepared. You tak suka benda yang tak pasti and tertanya tanya. Orang cakap A, you pikir B. Thats me. It ruined my relationships. Imagine, growing up and all you hear and see is pain. Pain and Farah -- we go way back. We're like a team. Funny how my parents named me Farah, which supposed to bring the meaning of Happiness, & im not happy. I tend to shut people out when i have issues to deal with, i push people away, i stop responding to texts and calls... i just let myself be sad. Because i want to. & whenever im feeling sad or down, i dont want to do anything. It just consumes my whole energy, leave me with nothing, but tears in my bed. Thats how i grow. Sedih kan?
So yeah, i get it. I get it if you guys choose to walk away. Nothing surprises me anymore. I wouldnt want to have anything to do with me either honestly. But if you stay, please know..i am never letting you go. Cause if you, part of me dies. And will take forever to recover. & i promise you, i am slowly trying to get rid of my habits, my overthinking, my issues.. just give me time & i will prove it to you that im worth it. Take your time to understand me because honestly, i took 18 years to understand myself too.
Also, do not feel bad if halfway thru you realize it is too much for you to take. I almost gave up on myself too, trying to understand me. Just let me know you’re walking away so i can erase your name completely . i have a problem with people leaving without notice. i hate not knowing. Tell me why.? What did i do wrong? What went wrong? I'd like to know everything. So i can get myself a closure. Dont tell me to think about it myself, because i will.. and its not pretty. Im an overthinker, you may mean well, but i might take it the wrong way. So, please, i would very much appreciate it kalau you boleh straight to the point je dengan i. Just please be honest with me. Even if you know it’ll hurt me. Cause i can assure you, that it will hurt and kill me inside, but at least i know what i have to do to get over it. & it does help me to forgive & forget so i can move on easily. And not get stuck with the hurt. Like i said, bila i sedih, i take days to feel better again. I lose my appetite, i lose interest in everything.
So im sorry. Im sorry if kesempurnaan yang korang cari. Im sorry if kematangan yang korang cari. Im sorry if im not what you're looking for in a person. Im sorry if korang perlukan someone yang emotionally stable 24/7. Im sorry that im..me. Sorry for being me. I dont want to be like this, but i've been like this for 18 years. Since i found out my dad re-married. So forgive me if i lose trust in men. My childhood trauma, it didnt really help either. Lagi tambah rasa tak percaya kat laki. Sleeping at night has been a scary thing for me for the past 9 years. I takut mimpi, the trauma.. its too much. So bila i open up dengan korang, i really mean it and trust you.
But despite being a mess, im actually a fun person to be friends with. I personally think that i have a HUGE heart. Its like no matter how bad you treat me, i'll always be here for you when you need me. But do know, once im done, im gone.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight.
12AM Thoughts- Get to Know Me.
April 22, 2021 @ 2:04 AM
Hi.
It has been years since my last post. & hey you! Its still me, the depressing one. Sad truth. I mean, whats new? Anyways, i am trying to put it into simpler words-- easy for you to understand what is wrong with me. Not trying to play smart and self-diagnose myself, no no.. we dont do that here. But i just wanna help you understand- ME. The real me. Not 100%, but at least you'd get the idea why me is..me? & why Farah is ALWAYS complicated and A LOT TO HANDLE.
What people dont get and see is, im trying. I really am trying, if you’d just give me a chance to prove it. Its not easy. Letting go something that has been with me for 18 years. 18 years is a longgggg time. Im tired. So so sooo tired. It doesnt help either when people keep reminding me what a mess i am. But this is me. A mess. A mess who is trying to clean up her own mess & other people's mess as well, little by little.
My never ending family issues, trust issues and a lot more that i dont even know where to start if you asked me, honestly. & i have no one to talk to about all these things because family is family. You dont wanna bukak aib of your family now, do you? We all go through that. We all have family problems. Mine just, gets worse each day. That i almost gave up on my own family. But whatever. They say, family will always be your family, no matter what they put you through. Safe to say, my family issues has contributed the most to my episodes. It kind of changed the way i see relationships. Because to me, there is no such thing as happy family.
I've been keeping a lot to myself, for the past 18 years. i hear that if you keep so much to yourself, it can affect your mental well-being. You overthink stuff, you like to be sure that you have the control over stuff. You like to be prepared. You tak suka benda yang tak pasti and tertanya tanya. Orang cakap A, you pikir B. Thats me. It ruined my relationships. Imagine, growing up and all you hear and see is pain. Pain and Farah -- we go way back. We're like a team. Funny how my parents named me Farah, which supposed to bring the meaning of Happiness, & im not happy. I tend to shut people out when i have issues to deal with, i push people away, i stop responding to texts and calls... i just let myself be sad. Because i want to. & whenever im feeling sad or down, i dont want to do anything. It just consumes my whole energy, leave me with nothing, but tears in my bed. Thats how i grow. Sedih kan?
So yeah, i get it. I get it if you guys choose to walk away. Nothing surprises me anymore. I wouldnt want to have anything to do with me either honestly. But if you stay, please know..i am never letting you go. Cause if you, part of me dies. And will take forever to recover. & i promise you, i am slowly trying to get rid of my habits, my overthinking, my issues.. just give me time & i will prove it to you that im worth it. Take your time to understand me because honestly, i took 18 years to understand myself too.
Also, do not feel bad if halfway thru you realize it is too much for you to take. I almost gave up on myself too, trying to understand me. Just let me know you’re walking away so i can erase your name completely . i have a problem with people leaving without notice. i hate not knowing. Tell me why.? What did i do wrong? What went wrong? I'd like to know everything. So i can get myself a closure. Dont tell me to think about it myself, because i will.. and its not pretty. Im an overthinker, you may mean well, but i might take it the wrong way. So, please, i would very much appreciate it kalau you boleh straight to the point je dengan i. Just please be honest with me. Even if you know it’ll hurt me. Cause i can assure you, that it will hurt and kill me inside, but at least i know what i have to do to get over it. & it does help me to forgive & forget so i can move on easily. And not get stuck with the hurt. Like i said, bila i sedih, i take days to feel better again. I lose my appetite, i lose interest in everything.
So im sorry. Im sorry if kesempurnaan yang korang cari. Im sorry if kematangan yang korang cari. Im sorry if im not what you're looking for in a person. Im sorry if korang perlukan someone yang emotionally stable 24/7. Im sorry that im..me. Sorry for being me. I dont want to be like this, but i've been like this for 18 years. Since i found out my dad re-married. So forgive me if i lose trust in men. My childhood trauma, it didnt really help either. Lagi tambah rasa tak percaya kat laki. Sleeping at night has been a scary thing for me for the past 9 years. I takut mimpi, the trauma.. its too much. So bila i open up dengan korang, i really mean it and trust you.
But despite being a mess, im actually a fun person to be friends with. I personally think that i have a HUGE heart. Its like no matter how bad you treat me, i'll always be here for you when you need me. But do know, once im done, im gone.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight.
